Friday, December 9, 2011

Life is too short....

A tragedy occurred on Monday, December 5, 2011, my daughter Londyn Scarlett Long passed away.  My heart hurts but it also feels comfort in knowing that she is no longer in any kind of pain. In the days before she passed away she was extremely fussy, if she was awake she was crying. We had to continually give her pain medication that coupled with lots of loving and kissing on her.  The night before I stayed up with her until 2 o’clock in the morning and just held her and gave her lots of kisses, she finally calmed down so I put her to bed. When Keith and I woke up the next morning, I checked on her and noticed that she wasn’t breathing and it was not like the times before. I told my Keith to call the Hospice because it didn’t look good. I just sat there and held her and gave her a kiss but I knew that she had passed. I changed her clothes to a fabulous zebra and hot pink onesie, brushed her hair and waited for Hospice to show up. About an hour later her nurse, the spiritual advisor and the social worker showed up. The nurse checked her and said she had passed, so the social worker called the Funeral home and the spiritual asked if he could say a prayer. On a side note, the spiritual advisor is Buddhist can we AWESOME! If you know me you know I love and am completely fascinated with religions and if it’s coming from a place of love and understanding then I’m down. He said his prayer and did a chant, it was very peaceful and beautiful and I will never forget it. Shortly after Hospice left the funeral home showed up to come and get her. They proceeded to tell me how everything works and that they were going to put a little sheet over her and take her to the car. I was like NO SIR; you will not be taking my baby down and in a sheet no less, please. So I got her mink pink blanket from Julie and her little lime green froggie from Sydney and I took her to the car. I still have that image in my head her little face and her strapped down to that gurney but at least she looked cute and had something from home with her.  The rest of the day Keith and I moved around in a bit of a haze, we still took Mason to school and then we just spent some one on one time together.
The next day was a bit different, I had moved on to pissed off. I did not feel like being bothered by anyone or anything. I was so agitated and frustrated, I didn’t want to hear anyone’s condolences, I didn’t want to pray over the phone, I didn’t want a hug, I just wanted people to go kick rocks! I felt like there were a million people crowding in my aura and I needed to breathe and process but I just couldn’t when there were so many voices, opinions and feelings. Then to top it off I wanted to run down to the Oceanside Mortuary, bust through the doors and take my baby. I wanted her to be back home and ASAP.  I just needed everything to stop and be quiet, I got some great advice from Amy & Sydney and I took it. I didn’t talk to anyone else the rest of the day and I just stayed on Pinterest (great place but that’s for another blog) I felt a lot better after that but then the next day we had to go to the funeral home and finalize everything. I was a little pensive, I didn’t know how I would feel or act! This entire time Keith had been a pillar of strength and I have to say I was jealous! All I could think is why can’t I be like that, why do I have to be so mopey and crying ever five minutes. We walk inside, I sit down and immediately start crying, I was like aaahhhh are you kidding me!  But ended up that’s what I needed because after that I was much calmer. Especially when she started talking about what different people do to remember their loved ones, which gave me lots of ideas and now I am stuck on Keepsake Memories and it’s helping me to feel better! It’s making me back track and not only am I making memory items for Londyn, but also for my mother and father who have passed away and Mason as well so in the future he has something to look back on. This is going to be a tough transition but all I can do is take one day at a time, be present, allow the feelings to come and process them in a healthy way and always remember:
Life is short so make memories and document them……

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