Tuesday, November 22, 2011

S**t Just Got Real...

I had prewritten this intense Blog entry that was going to break down this entire situation and tell everyone how scared I was and how I didn’t know what to do, I had it all planned out. That was two days ago and I never posted it. That’s because so much has happened in these last couple of days and I am learning to cope and I didn’t think I would. The question that was continually on my mind was, “How in the hell am I going to get through this?” Well I got the answer and in such a frightening and intense way.
Londyn has been home about a month now and all was going well. She was thriving, gaining weight and she had gotten off the feeding tube. The nurses and Dr. had been asking us had she had any sleep apnea episodes, she hadn't so we were in the clear. With her diagnosis of Trisomy 18 it is quite common for babies to pass away from sleep apnea. It was going so well that I was thinking we may really may make it through this and possibly even come out on top, you know be the exception and not the rule. All I could think was that even though she may not have a normal life like any other little girl, it would be a comfortable one with lots of love and attention. Everyone around me had been uber positive and there hadn’t been any bad news lately, so we were relaxed and just coasting. This past Thursday all that changed and everything became real once again. It was a normal night, we had just finished dinner and Keith was upstairs giving Mason a bath. Londyn was being fussy so Keith brought her downstairs; I assumed she was gassy so I gave her some medicine. While she was taking it, she made her little yucky face and then she coughed a little, she looked as if she were holding her breath so I started rubbing her back and she started breathing again. Then she did it again, I ran upstairs and asked Keith to take a look and he noticed she was doing it too. Well she started breathing again,we decided to call hospice and have someone come out and check on her. We already knew that this could happen and it was scary but I couldn’t help thinking that we handled that rather well for that being our first time. I sat down and began to feed her, she took a few sips and stoped breathing again but this time she was pale, blue and there was no heartbeat. We immediately freaked out, I was yelling for Keith to call Hospice, he was yelling he couldn’t find his phone. We were in a state of panic, I ran downstairs all the while vigorously rubbing her back but this time she was not coming back and she wasn’t trying to take any breaths. So I started crying and I kept on saying, “Come on baby, come on baby, just breath.” But it was not happening, she just couldn’t do it, I was crying so bad that Keith had to take her and tell the nurse on the phone what was going on. I calmed down just enough to take her back, she took one huge, deep breath and then nothing, all I kept thinking was that she felt so empty and why did this have to happen to my baby. This went on for about 4-5 minutes and we just knew that she had passed away. Keith came and got her and just held her with a look of stunned silence on his face. All of a sudden Londyn takes this huge breath and then she is trying her hardest to breathe, after about a minute she starts breathing again! We were completely amazed and freaked out, thankfully we had called the nurse so she was on her way. During that time we were waiting for the nurse, it happened again, we were like how long is this going to go on, it’s horrifically scary. The nurse finally showed up and checked her out, she said her heart and lungs sounded fine and her color looked good. We were still shaken up and I was terrified and I couldn’t believe all that had just happened. Shit just got real and real fast!
The situation itself is crazy, strange and it makes me angry, confused and left wondering what in the hell am I supposed to take from this. What lessons does someone learn from having their baby taken away, I was scared. This entire time I had not been scared, I was sad, hurt and confused but fear had not taken ahold just yet. Once it takes hold it’s hard to shake it off, it seeps in and it feels like there is so much in you that it’s coming out of your pores and it had finally gotten ahold of me and I was not initially prepared. All the self-help books, common sense and therapy had not prepared me for this. I took the next couple of days to regroup and gather my thoughts, I took some nice, long walks and I talked to friends. I managed to pull myself further and further out of this hole, I needed to get it together. I thought this is the time to be strong, be present and enjoy her. I can cry later when she’s gone but right now I need to count my blessings and thank God that he has given me even more time than the doctors and nurses every expected. Life can hand you some hard pills to swallow and you can either fold and choke on it or just take it and fight tooth and nail to take something from the experience and make yourself into a better person. Hopefully the people around me will learn and take away from my situation that you need to be present in your life, be positive, be happy and never take life for granted. I believe that we constantly take life for granted, you’re always assuming that you’re going to wake up every morning and go home every night and that nothing bad is going to happen to you. That is not so, this life is not promised and you never ever know when the tides may turn and tragedy strikes. I am not an ultra-religious person but I am very spiritual, I do believe there is higher power out there and I believe that everyone has a purpose no matter how long they on this earth. Children are a blessing and even though Londyn has been here a short amount of time, she has a made a huge impact and I thank God for her and Mason everyday and I will continue to do so...


  1. Amazing and your inspiring. Stay strong and so positive amid a rough situation.

  2. Jamie, thanks for sharing.
    I completely agree that Londyn is here for a reason, though noone but God himself may know why.
    She's one tough little cookie! :)
    I'm sure this blogging will be great for you- hope you keep it up. :)