Life is too short....

A tragedy occurred on Monday, December 5, 2011, my daughter Londyn Scarlett Long passed away.  My heart hurts but it also feels comfort in knowing that she is no longer in any kind of pain. In the days before she passed away she was extremely fussy, if she was awake she was crying. We had to continually give her pain medication that coupled with lots of loving and kissing on her.  The night before I stayed up with her until 2 o’clock in the morning and just held her and gave her lots of kisses, she finally calmed down so I put her to bed. When Keith and I woke up the next morning, I checked on her and noticed that she wasn’t breathing and it was not like the times before. I told my Keith to call the Hospice because it didn’t look good. I just sat there and held her and gave her a kiss but I knew that she had passed. I changed her clothes to a fabulous zebra and hot pink onesie, brushed her hair and waited for Hospice to show up. About an hour later her nurse, the spiritual advisor and the social worker showed up. The nurse checked her and said she had passed, so the social worker called the Funeral home and the spiritual asked if he could say a prayer. On a side note, the spiritual advisor is Buddhist can we AWESOME! If you know me you know I love and am completely fascinated with religions and if it’s coming from a place of love and understanding then I’m down. He said his prayer and did a chant, it was very peaceful and beautiful and I will never forget it. Shortly after Hospice left the funeral home showed up to come and get her. They proceeded to tell me how everything works and that they were going to put a little sheet over her and take her to the car. I was like NO SIR; you will not be taking my baby down and in a sheet no less, please. So I got her mink pink blanket from Julie and her little lime green froggie from Sydney and I took her to the car. I still have that image in my head her little face and her strapped down to that gurney but at least she looked cute and had something from home with her.  The rest of the day Keith and I moved around in a bit of a haze, we still took Mason to school and then we just spent some one on one time together.

The next day was a bit different, I had moved on to pissed off. I did not feel like being bothered by anyone or anything. I was so agitated and frustrated, I didn’t want to hear anyone’s condolences, I didn’t want to pray over the phone, I didn’t want a hug, I just wanted people to go kick rocks! I felt like there were a million people crowding in my aura and I needed to breathe and process but I just couldn’t when there were so many voices, opinions and feelings. Then to top it off I wanted to run down to the Oceanside Mortuary, bust through the doors and take my baby. I wanted her to be back home and ASAP.  I just needed everything to stop and be quiet, I got some great advice from Amy & Sydney and I took it. I didn’t talk to anyone else the rest of the day and I just stayed on Pinterest (great place but that’s for another blog) I felt a lot better after that but then the next day we had to go to the funeral home and finalize everything. I was a little pensive, I didn’t know how I would feel or act! This entire time Keith had been a pillar of strength and I have to say I was jealous! All I could think is why can’t I be like that, why do I have to be so mopey and crying ever five minutes. We walk inside, I sit down and immediately start crying, I was like aaahhhh are you kidding me!  But ended up that’s what I needed because after that I was much calmer. Especially when she started talking about what different people do to remember their loved ones, which gave me lots of ideas and now I am stuck on Keepsake Memories and it’s helping me to feel better! It’s making me back track and not only am I making memory items for Londyn, but also for my mother and father who have passed away and Mason as well so in the future he has something to look back on. This is going to be a tough transition but all I can do is take one day at a time, be present, allow the feelings to come and process them in a healthy way and always remember:

Life is short so make memories and document them……

S**t Just Got Real...

I had prewritten this intense Blog entry that was going to break down this entire situation and tell everyone how scared I was and how I didn’t know what to do, I had it all planned out. That was two days ago and I never posted it. That’s because so much has happened in these last couple of days and I am learning to cope and I didn’t think I would. The question that was continually on my mind was, “How in the hell am I going to get through this?” Well I got the answer and in such a frightening and intense way.

Londyn has been home about a month now and all was going well. She was thriving, gaining weight and she had gotten off the feeding tube. The nurses and Dr. had been asking us had she had any sleep apnea episodes, she hadn't so we were in the clear. With her diagnosis of Trisomy 18 it is quite common for babies to pass away from sleep apnea. It was going so well that I was thinking we may really may make it through this and possibly even come out on top, you know be the exception and not the rule. All I could think was that even though she may not have a normal life like any other little girl, it would be a comfortable one with lots of love and attention. Everyone around me had been uber positive and there hadn’t been any bad news lately, so we were relaxed and just coasting. This past Thursday all that changed and everything became real once again. It was a normal night, we had just finished dinner and Keith was upstairs giving Mason a bath. Londyn was being fussy so Keith brought her downstairs; I assumed she was gassy so I gave her some medicine. While she was taking it, she made her little yucky face and then she coughed a little, she looked as if she were holding her breath so I started rubbing her back and she started breathing again. Then she did it again, I ran upstairs and asked Keith to take a look and he noticed she was doing it too. Well she started breathing again,we decided to call hospice and have someone come out and check on her. We already knew that this could happen and it was scary but I couldn’t help thinking that we handled that rather well for that being our first time. I sat down and began to feed her, she took a few sips and stoped breathing again but this time she was pale, blue and there was no heartbeat. We immediately freaked out, I was yelling for Keith to call Hospice, he was yelling he couldn’t find his phone. We were in a state of panic, I ran downstairs all the while vigorously rubbing her back but this time she was not coming back and she wasn’t trying to take any breaths. So I started crying and I kept on saying, “Come on baby, come on baby, just breath.” But it was not happening, she just couldn’t do it, I was crying so bad that Keith had to take her and tell the nurse on the phone what was going on. I calmed down just enough to take her back, she took one huge, deep breath and then nothing, all I kept thinking was that she felt so empty and why did this have to happen to my baby. This went on for about 4-5 minutes and we just knew that she had passed away. Keith came and got her and just held her with a look of stunned silence on his face. All of a sudden Londyn takes this huge breath and then she is trying her hardest to breathe, after about a minute she starts breathing again! We were completely amazed and freaked out, thankfully we had called the nurse so she was on her way. During that time we were waiting for the nurse, it happened again, we were like how long is this going to go on, it’s horrifically scary. The nurse finally showed up and checked her out, she said her heart and lungs sounded fine and her color looked good. We were still shaken up and I was terrified and I couldn’t believe all that had just happened. Shit just got real and real fast!

The situation itself is crazy, strange and it makes me angry, confused and left wondering what in the hell am I supposed to take from this. What lessons does someone learn from having their baby taken away, I was scared. This entire time I had not been scared, I was sad, hurt and confused but fear had not taken ahold just yet. Once it takes hold it’s hard to shake it off, it seeps in and it feels like there is so much in you that it’s coming out of your pores and it had finally gotten ahold of me and I was not initially prepared. All the self-help books, common sense and therapy had not prepared me for this. I took the next couple of days to regroup and gather my thoughts, I took some nice, long walks and I talked to friends. I managed to pull myself further and further out of this hole, I needed to get it together. I thought this is the time to be strong, be present and enjoy her. I can cry later when she’s gone but right now I need to count my blessings and thank God that he has given me even more time than the doctors and nurses every expected. Life can hand you some hard pills to swallow and you can either fold and choke on it or just take it and fight tooth and nail to take something from the experience and make yourself into a better person. Hopefully the people around me will learn and take away from my situation that you need to be present in your life, be positive, be happy and never take life for granted. I believe that we constantly take life for granted, you’re always assuming that you’re going to wake up every morning and go home every night and that nothing bad is going to happen to you. That is not so, this life is not promised and you never ever know when the tides may turn and tragedy strikes. I am not an ultra-religious person but I am very spiritual, I do believe there is higher power out there and I believe that everyone has a purpose no matter how long they on this earth. Children are a blessing and even though Londyn has been here a short amount of time, she has a made a huge impact and I thank God for her and Mason everyday and I will continue to do so...